VIRUS ALERT!

IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES

• PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.
• COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
• HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
• O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
• BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
• STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files reported as the same size.
• PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.
• POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
• ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
• TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
• DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Thier is sumthing rong with yur koptuer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!
• GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• GALLUP VIRUS: 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
• TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
• ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
• AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• PBS VIRUS: Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
• ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
• OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
• NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
• SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, shocks, washer and dryer, and a service agreement.
• JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your program can never be found again.
• KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
• STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
• HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.
• GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating: "Read my docs.... No New Files!" on the screen. It then proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
• LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Turns your had disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
• WOODY ALLEN VIRUS: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
• TONYA HARDING VIRUS: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
• RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
• OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
• AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.
• MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
• ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
• FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
• LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

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