
Whatevers


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Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
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When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
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He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
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She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
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You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
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I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
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When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
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Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
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Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
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Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
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Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
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Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
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A day without sun shine is like, night.
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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
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I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
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Dyslexics of the world, untie.
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I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
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I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
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Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
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Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
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Do I look like a people person?
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This isn't an office. It's H*ll with fluorescent lighting.
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I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
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I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
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I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
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Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
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I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
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I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
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A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
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Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
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Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
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Is it time for your medication or mine?
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I plead contemporary insanity.
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And which dwarf are you?
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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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How do I set a laser printer to stun?
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Meandering to a different drummer.
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I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
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We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
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He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
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Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
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Who stopped payment on my reality check?
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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
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Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
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Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
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Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
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Don't take life too seriously. It's not permanent.
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2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
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Computer error: "Disk Full. Press F1 to belch."
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My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
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Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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Do witches run spell checkers?
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Computer error: "As a computer, I find your faith in technolgy amusing."
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Clinical studies show there are no answers.
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Constant change is here to stay.
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Dain bramaged.
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Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
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Computer error: "Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted."
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C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
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Best file compression around: "DEL" - 100% compression!
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Upgrade: Take old bugs out. Put new ones in.
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
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Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
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Indecision is the key to flexibility.
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
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If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
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Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
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Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
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I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
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Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
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All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
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Please Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
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I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
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Men don't roar. Women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
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Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
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Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy... and taste good with ketchup.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
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A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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All that glitters has a high refractive index.
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Anarchy is better than no government at all.
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Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
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Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
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Fairy tales are horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
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It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
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Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
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NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
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Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
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Today is the last day of your life so far.
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Trapezoid - a device for catching zoids.
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Always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Fridays.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live on forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. In fact, usually it just brings old age.
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If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
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I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
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I don't get even, I get odder.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
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My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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I am having an out of money experience.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
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I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
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If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws
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I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

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