Whatevers

Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked, in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
When shooting a mime, do you need a silencer?
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
A day without sun shine is like, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Dyslexics of the world, untie.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's H*ll with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
Don't take life too seriously. It's not permanent.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computer error: "Disk Full. Press F1 to belch."
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Computer error: "As a computer, I find your faith in technolgy amusing."
Clinical studies show there are no answers.
Constant change is here to stay.
Dain bramaged.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Computer error: "Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted."
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
Best file compression around: "DEL" - 100% compression!
Upgrade: Take old bugs out. Put new ones in.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Please Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
Men don't roar. Women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy... and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Fairy tales are horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Trapezoid - a device for catching zoids.
Always give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Fridays.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live on forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. In fact, usually it just brings old age.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

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